So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
