Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
