also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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