i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
