Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
