What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
