sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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