i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
