i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
