Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my phone needs a breathalizer
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
