When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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