Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize