i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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