I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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