I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
