it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
