So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My dick has a subreddit
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
