Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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