6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I won the penis lottery.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
