i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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