i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
