the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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