I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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