We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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