life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
