my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
