She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
