sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
