Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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