his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
