stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
