About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
