I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
