it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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