i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Drunk is not a location!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
