we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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