hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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