Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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