I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
