Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
