I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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