Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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