I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
