1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
