fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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