i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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