Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
