What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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