If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
