i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize