Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
