I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
