Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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