but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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