I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
