Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
