WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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