I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
