Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
