I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
