About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
