I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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